tales from Korea

It’s a new beginning for me, again. I’ve been in Korea now for about eleven months, the time has gone by very quickly yet at the same time it feels like I’ve been here for a while. I do think I have quite a good ability to adjust to how I live and even though Jayeon helped eased the transition, I’ve settled into Korean society quite well. I’ve really learned a lot about the Korean psyche and this learning process was speeded up through my wholly unique living situation. As you may know already from previous posts, I moved into Jayeon’s family home from day one when I landed in Korea last August, and we just moved out of her home about two weeks before into our own apartment. For a westerner to move into a Korean family home and live an extended sojourn there is to say the least, extremely uncommon. But the fact they her family had never met me before and even more importantly that Jayeon and I were not married at the time, seems almost like me living there would be impossible. I never fully realised the profoundness of this situation until I came over here and started living in it for myself. Trying to explain it to other westerners had them confused and asking questions, but explaining to Koreans had they absolutely perplexed.

In retrospect, a decision I made rather lightly (and with a great deal of naiveté) could have gone horribly wrong, and I think we were all lucky that didn’t happen. I lived with Jayeon, her mom, her grandmother, her brother and her young cousin. From the moment I stepped in the door, they had accepted everything about me. Their unemphatic welcomes had me a little worried at the beginning (In contrast to Irish welcomes), but I soon realised that it’s part Korean style and part that their acceptance of me meant there was not need for that kind of greeting. One main reason for moving in there was getting the chance to know them; Jayeon knew my family well by this time but I had never met hers even once in our three year relationship. And I really did get to know them, I got to understand a lot about Korean behaviour, idiosyncrasies and their overly practical often down-to-earth attitude. Her family are incredibly easy going people, a contributing reason for my moving in and we had a lot of good times over the eleven months we lived together. The language barrier presented problems, especially between Jayeon’s grandmother (Who can’t speak a word of English but can speak Japanese) and her mom (Whose English is basic). But I was fortunate enough to have three fluent English speakers with me: Jayeon, her brother and her cousin. Jayeon’s mom did make a huge effort to learn English and bought books and persistently and when necessary used her limited ability really well. I picked up a bit of Korean from overhearing conversations and together in a mixture of Korean and English, we got by. Her young cousin of just fourteen years old can speak English really well. I guess the 3 nights a week of attending English institutes after school is paying off.

A little sad to move out, but it’s great that we can finally have our own space. They miss us too.

Our new apartment is only about 100 meters away from her mom’s house. We can even wave and see each other! It’s great, if I’m hungry I can go over any time I want and eat her mom’s delicious food. But more than that, I had a wonderful experience and I’m glad I took that one opportunity for me to really get to know her family, who are now my family too. Without doing that, a trip to the ‘inlaws’ may have been the awkward experience a lot of other people dread.

I’ll never forget that one great year, thank you. 나는 올해는 절대 잊지 못할거야. 감사합니다.

It was one of those things that you have to do, meet your partner’s family, unknown you to them and them to you. It’s a brief time where first impressions are made and broken, with nothing you can really do about it but dress well and smile a lot. For me, it was a lot to take in one situation. JaYeon and I had been together for over two years already but I still hadn’t met even her immediate family – including her mother. It was good to know that in many ways they had already accepted me before I had even gotten there, except if they didn’t actually’ ‘warm’’ to me, we might all end up in a really awkward situation. I was told by JaYeon that part of the acceptance was probably “10%” because of her age, being 29 she should be married already in Korea. This figure changed a few times, resting on about 22%, I wonder how she came to that figure anyway – but I’m not going to argue with a maths major. The first day at her home, the first moments, greeted with warmth and handshakes from her grandmother – a woman who lived through the Korean War, could barely imagine this scenario today – a westerner moving in with a Korean family. Everything else went fine, of sorts, her family felt like they knew me already in many ways. With us been together for so long, I guess she talked a lot about everything. I felt the same though; I didn’t feel like I was walking into a house of strangers. The settling in was smooth.

There were two other groups that had to be seen, and this took place after I attended the SMOE orientation.. JaYeon’s family, on her mothers and her father’s side had both been asking to see me several times since I arrived, so we decided to go on the evening of me returning from the university campus in Suwon. We picked up some cakes on the way as my gift (not a good idea to go empty handed). Both family groups live in northern Seoul, within about 20 minutes of each other. From Bundang though, the drive was pretty long and we got stuck in traffic along the way, we eventually arrived at about 10pm at JaYeon’s relations on her mother’s side. On arrival into their apartment, we were greeted by a yapping dog, nipping at our toes, and we had to fight for shoe space before coming into the apartment. We all exchanged greetings, and JaYeon’s grandmother (On her father’s side) was clearly moved to see me. She gestured me to sit down beside her on the couch and grasped my arm tightly. They all spoke and I got a few words of Korean, she said I was a handsome guy and looked very kind. This seems to be the general analysis I get when I meet people for the first time – but I’m not complaining. She couldn’t speak any English at all, but JaYeon’s younger cousin translated everyone’s questions for me. His name is San Que, but he assured me that “You can just call me Q, that’s what my African American friends call me”.

Q lived in the U.S. (New York to be more precise) for a year with his father and mother – his father was given a year contract to work in the U.S. During the time he got plenty of opportunity to speak English with his peers, he picked it up well and brought back the accent. Q was definitely a character, a rather typical rebellious teenager caught between two cultures. I asked him if he’d prefer to live in Korea or the U.S. – his expression said it all.

Much Korean was spoken, and many glances were aimed in my direction, looking me up and down and then returning to conversation. Q was ready with the translation, and in his young, hip America accent said “They ask, when you are getting married?” I really like the fact everyone else knows that we’re getting married before the couple in question. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe soon” I replied. He then responded with his own worldly advice “Better sooner than later, dude”. Better sooner than later? I wonder why. The next question was asking for cringe factor:

Q: “So what do you like about her, what made you attracted to her?”

Me: “Well, she’s a very kind person, yaknow”. I can tell you one quick story. Not long after we first met in India, we went to a resort on a mountain for a couple of days. The mountain was pretty high so it was quite cool, a stark contrast to what was below in the blistering heat. The change of atmosphere is like the warm-to-air conditioned effect and I ended up with a pretty bad cold. Actually I felt really bad for about 2 or 3 days. She barely knew me, but she took care of me really well. She is very caring.

Q translated and everyone nodded and awwwed.

Me: “She’s also very intelligent, a great conversationalist…”

Q translated and they looked at me again, waiting for something.

Me: “She’s really cute, too.”

Q: “Dude, I’m ‘gonna have to disagree with you there”.

Me: “Well she’s not the typical Korean girl, I guess.”

Q: “No kidding!”

Slightly awkward laughter ensues.

JaYeon’s mom told grandmother to release my arm, she was close to tears.

Luckily the conversation direction was broken a bit as JaYeon’s auntie came over with a plate of fruit; I anxiously picked up the pieces with my chopsticks while everyone stared intently.

Q decided he had some more questions for me.

Q: “So man, did you get a car yet?”

Me: “Get a car yet? Why the hell would I want a car?!” (We were just talking about how good the Seoul Metro system is).

Me: “No, I don’t drive back in Ireland and I’ve no need to get a car here. The subway system is really incredible; I don’t have to put up with any rush hour traffic in the morning”.

Q: “But you gotta’ have a ride, man.”

Me: “…”

With the questions over, it was time to depart. I searched for my shoes in the shoe area – there were so many pairs it looked like a bargain bin at a department store. When I got them we headed down and departed for our next destination – her father’s side family.

This was a much quicker affair. After arriving at their apartment they gathered round the living room table. A bottle of lemon vodka came over my shoulder but I couldn’t open the twist bottle top because my palms were sweaty. The parent’s son and daughter came out and joined us; he’s is studying at university and is a huge Liverpool F.C. supporter. He turned on the T.V. and started watching the match. Their daughter, with some striking physical similarities to JaYeon, sat on the floor smiling at this slightly strange situation. This time, JaYeon translated the questions as the son and daughter were wholly embarrassed to even attempt it.

JaYeon: “They want to know what your parents’ jobs are.”

Explaining in great detail, JaYeon translates a small part.

Family: “Ah, so they both work for public services – that’s good.”

JaYeon: “When and where will we get married? Will we live in Korea forever?”

The fact JaYeon herself was translating the sentences when us alone have only talked about these topics briefly, and somewhat in a joking manner, was making it more difficult.

Me: “I don’t know yet, soon maybe? We don’t know if we’re staying in Korea for just a year or two or not.”

The family nodded and smiled.

JaYeon’s mom suggested we go – it was late enough already.

We left, physically and mentally tired (time: 2am), I slept in the car, neon signs glowing on my eyelids.